baby three.

Another baby grows in my belly. Our third. Likely our last. One final tie-breaker blondie.

Since having Finola nearly four years ago I really struggled with whether or not we should have another.  I went through periods of depression.  Anxiety with two tiny babies, whose lives I fear for and pray over ever single day.  Insecurity about my ability to raise our kids well.  Frustration about the messiness and lack of control that comes with motherhood.

So for several years I prayed to God for clarity.  None came.  I thought maybe I would come across a "calling" in the meantime that would move my focus from pregnancy to something else fulfilling.  A career outside the home?  Fostering?  A side business?  A specific direction to take this blog?

No "calling" presented itself.  Well, except the call to change a lot about myself.  I wrote in this post about the spiritual and mental changes that happened in 2016.  I think God really needed me to change some things about how I deal with my emotions before I could even begin to think about another baby.  I needed to deal with (eliminate) some sources of stress, and let go of certain things I could not change.  He wanted me closer to Him, and more focused upon what really matters.

Hubby and I discussed the probability of another baby at least once a week for three years. Sometimes I was adamant it was a "no."  Sometimes I would feel our family simply wasn't complete. Other times I jealously didn't want to give my attention to another child.  Hubby, for his part, also waffled a bit but always said he would be happy either way.  (Smart man.)

For me it was a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions and jumbled prayers.

Finally, around the holidays we made a "decision."  I put that in quotes because I think it was more that we just got tired of talking about it.  We decided to stop "preventing" but also to not try to obsessively pinpoint my specific ovulation days.  To just give it up to God and say whatever will be will be.  Lord, if you want this for us, your will be done.  If not, we will be okay with that, too.  

There was a lot of relief and freedom in just giving it over to Him.

In my heart I thought, Clearly God will say I'm not able to handle another!

However, lo and behold, not long after we returned from our post-Christmas trip to Minnesota I was a day late with my period.  With trepidation I quickly took a pregnancy test that night right before dinner.

Positive - immediately.  Of course I was excited -- but a nervous excitement!  There was no ceremony when I told Paul the news.  The kids were running around wild + screaming after we finished eating, and Hubby was still sitting there - so I just slid the test across the island to him and said, "Guess what!"

That was at four weeks.  Now I'm fourteen weeks and while I won't go into all the minute details of my first trimester as I've done on this blog in the past, I will say that this pregnancy has been almost identical to the previous two - SUPER nauseous all day every day from week six through week twelve.   Had to eat constantly, or I felt like I had to vomit.  Nothing sounded appetizing, so basically I ate whatever sounded tolerable.  Almost like clockwork at twelve weeks I started feeling better - at least able to enjoy eating again and prepare food without feeling like I was going to yack.

What is different this time I have two kiddos experiencing it right alongside me...and man, are they excited!  We shared the news with them on Valentine's Day -- tying in the 'day of love' with what we love...our little family, including their new sib!

Before we shared the news I kinda thought they already knew...I wasn't really making great effort to hide my discomfort and growing belly - which started popping MUCH earlier this time.  I felt like I was constantly saying to them, "Be careful of Mama's belly - please don't jump on it!" without really explaining why all of a sudden bouncing on my tummy was discouraged.

Despite all that, the kids seemed surprised and REALLY happy!  Phew!  I was nervous a bit about Finola feeling displaced as the baby (like I did when my younger bro came along) but she seems over-the-moon!  She randomly exclaims, "I can't wait to meet our baby!"  Cormac, not surprisingly, is constantly talking to the baby (my belly) and telling him/her EVERYTHING.  Already he wants this child to be influenced by his strong opinions.  Mainly, it must like "villains" and the color green.

Finola, rather than chattering loudly to my belly, whispers to it almost inaudibly.  Perhaps they are sisters already telling secrets?

Of course, I know anything can happen.  I'm trying to just remind myself every day of what we have, that God has plans greater than mine, and to pray for this baby just like I do for the others.

It is a delicate balance of worry and joy.

Here are the few 'bump shots' I have.  I meant to take cute "announcement pics" with my DSLR - but, as with probably everything else with the third child my best intentions went out the window!  From one third child to another -- sorry baby, but you may need to get used to it!

six weeks.  baby or post-chipotle?

Eight weeks. 

Getting bigger!  Twelve weeks - visiting my sis in MT. 

Our family is excited for this next chapter in our lives -- and appreciate any prayers (and advice) for being a family of five!