my life: College Part 3 - Graduation

Currently doing a auto-bio series, hoping to reflect, learn, and grow...and for you to get to know this blogger better!  To catch up read:

1.  the kiddo years 

2. the 'tween years

3. high school 

4. College Part 1

5. meeting{future}hubby

6. Portland

7. the breakup

8. College Part 2

9. the proposal

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

So I gave the ring back.  Some may call me heartless or selfish.  A man eater, perhaps.

I call it doing what I thought was the best decision for both of us.  Marriage is kind of a huge deal...and I didn't want to enter into something I could not, at the time, fully commit to.

The thought overwhelmed me...and I didn't want to feel that way when I thought of being engaged.  It should be an exciting and beautiful part of the relationship.  (Paul has since said he wasn't quite ready for marriage then either.)

So after the camping trip in which I tearfully returned the ring to Paul, we parted ways.  I had no idea what to expect now.  We were still together, technically, but as you can imagine after such momentous heartache...things were different.  Paul needed space.  I needed to graduate and figure out what the heck I wanted from our relationship.

Not long after our engagement ended we took a weekend trip to Chicago, where both us of had close friends living.  There were some fun moments, like eating oysters at the little joint where my friend Rach worked, as well as some enjoyable sushi and exploring the city.

But the trip was also really, really hard.  Paul and I got into a huge fight, there was lots of drama, there was lots of questioning if we should even be together.  At the end of the weekend, we still loved each other, but it was strained, to say the least.

I became an auntie during that last semester!

Fall semester started back at my college, my final semester, and I threw myself into my last few classes.  I even asked for a demotion at my job at the shoe store, from my salaried assistant manager position back down to an hourly keyholding manager, complete with a paycut,  just so I could concentrate more on school and less on work.  I am very fortunate my boss was really, really understanding and flexible with my schedule and needs at the time.  He even transferred me to a less-stressful, lower-volume location when I shared it was getting to be too much.

So I moved from my beautiful one-bedroom to a more modest {yet, still my style} studio in the same building,  and hunkered down to finish my degree - to graduate, at long last.

I barely had a social life those last few months.  I just worked, studied, and, of course, ran/worked out - my ultimate stress-reliever and "happy place."

Paul and I still talked on the phone, but half of the time we argued or it was stressful.  We weren't really together.  I was living my life, and he was living his.  He was preparing to move to Cincinnati and start a new life and role within his company there.  What was I going to do after graduation?  How did I fit in to his life, and vice versa?   I still hadn't decided.

One thing we did decide during that semester?  That he would come to Minnesota the weekend of my graduation.  I was happy...it wouldn't feel right if he wasn't there, as I considered him to be one of my best friends -- basically part of my family. They all adored him, too.

I graduated December 15th of 2005 with my BA in English Literature.  I managed all A's that final semester, ending my undergraduate education with a respectable 3.4 GPA.  I was pretty proud, considering I had flunked out my freshman year, what seemed like ages ago.  Oh, how life {and I} had changed dramatically.

While many in my class ditched the ceremony altogether, I walked across that stage with a huge, proud grin on my face.

I didn't have any big graduation party, but something more my style: a big Italian dinner out with my family and Paul.  We dined at the nearby downtown Buca diBeppo and drank {as a family}an enormous bottle of Chianti.  Which, by the way, I display in my dining room even today, reminding me of that special night.

Paul and I continued my graduation weekend having a really amazing time together.  There was a sushi dinner at one of our favorite places on Grand Avenue, Saji-Ya:

sake bombs!

this is why I don't do shots.

We even went out to a sports bar and watched a UK basketball game together.  I marveled at how passionate he was about his alma mater's basketball team.  I didn't know how much I would need to embrace it someday!

During that weekend we talked about the possibility of me moving to Cincinnati, now that I was done with school.  I still wasn't sure.  It was a huge step that would completely uproot me from my home state of Minnesota, causing me to leave a city I loved, my family that I was extremely close to, and possibly lose my job, which had slowly become a career.  I enjoyed being a retail manager, while making enough money to support myself and live a comfortable life.   I loved the company and everyone I worked with,  and really had no plans to quit.

Was I ready to leave all of that to pursue a relationship that had been on-and-off, up-and-down for years?  We weren't engaged and had no plans to be.  Could I really leave everything and move to Cincinnati for Paul alone?

The answer?  No.

I couldn't move just for him.  It was too crazy, even for me.  I needed a plan.  I needed to do things my way.

So I called up the district manager for the Ohio area of the shoe store I was working for.  I had met him once.  Basically I said, "Hey, remember me?  Any possibility you could get me a job in Cincinnati?"

Well, he did remember me, and he did get me a job.  A promotion, even!  I would go back to being a salaried manager.  A huge relief came over me.  Because I would have a job, I could then support myself financially in Cincinnati, so if for some reason things didn't work out with Paul, I would at least have my own apartment and some sort of life besides him.  I wanted my own apartment there, and my own career, and my own life.  Just in case.

With "get a job" off my list, I was willing to take the plunge and move across the country.

I told Paul -- who was ecstatic!

I told my family -- who were not as ecstatic...but they were supportive, none-the-less.

At Christmas I made another change -- I chopped my hair into a bob!  My first time ever with hair above my shoulders, and I loved it!  It felt more "me" than the long hair I'd had my entire life.

Then, for NewYear's Eve I flew to Louisville to spend it with Paul.  We went out with several of his good friends and their girlfriends and had a really fantastic time.  This photograph pretty much sums up the night:

January of 2006 was spent hammering out the details of my move, saying goodbye to friends and loved ones in Minnesota, and packing up my life.

Goodbye to Minnesota, my home for twenty four years.

Hello to a new city...and new adventures yet to be written.

Next chapter:  Cincinnati
g

mama confessions: another day in the life

Sometimes Hubby will joke around with me and ask, 

"What do you do all day?"  

{at least I think he is joking}

Well, babe, this one's for you...

6am - Mama up.  First and foremost, coffee must be made.  I blog and check FB and email, plan my day in my trusty planner, or sometimes scrap all that and head to an early class at the gym.

7am - Baby up.  Change diaper, hang out with Dada, walk the dog and have some outside time.

7:30am - Bottle. 

8:00am - Breakfast for mama and baby!  We eat together most always.  We eat the same things, for convenience sake.  Fruit, toast, yogurt, hot cereal are typical.  

  Then I clean up the kitchen while he bangs around on the kitchen floor with whatever crap I hand him.  Kid-friendly crap, of course.

8:30am - Cleaning time...meaning I quickly do that day's "special cleaning task" {ie bathrooms or mirrors/windows or vacuuming, or whatever it is} while baby hangs out with me playing with toys or being entertained by me.  Multi-tasking - this is a skill that mamas quickly master.

Also, patience -- because everything takes ten times longer to accomplish.

I do as much as I can in these 15-20 minutes.

I'm glad I have a fairly small home to clean.

8:45am - Playtime in nursery.  Now is when we wind down for the first nap.  We have a lot of fun.   I find I really love to play around with him - particularly physical, rough-and-tumble play.
Which works well as a 'boy mama.' 

9:00am - Nap #1 - which lasts anywhere from 1 - 2 hours.  While he sleeps I use the time to do all the dishes, start the laundry if necessary, and wipe down the kitchen.  Then, if I still have time,  I can blog, exercise, or work on projects I'm doing around the house.

10:30 - Baby wakes up.  After a diaper change and some play time we haul out the jogging stroller and do a 3 mile run together.   Or we'll go to the gym and he'll play in the playroom and I'll do yoga or spinning or strength-training for an hour.  Then we do our cool down, meaning baby plays with toys in the room with me while I quickly shower and get dressed.

11:30 - Bottle.

12:00 - Lunch for Mama and Baby!   We'll have anything from whole wheat bread and avocado to a chicken and cheese quesadilla to mac n cheese.  I always include a fruit/veggie, bread, and dairy item.  Sometimes meat.  Yes, he eats whatever I prepare.  If he won't eat any, then he just doesn't eat.   No, I don't buy all organic.  Yes, I will sometimes give him a bit of cookie.  Not trying to win any "mama of the year" awards, clearly.

That being said, mealtime is really fun!

It also helps that I eat with him so that I don't get really hungry when he is napping and eat a whole bag of Oreos.  Seriously helps portion control!  

12:30 - Playtime!  Usually in nursery.  It's a fun room to hang out in, and most of his toys are there.  I don't keep toys in every room...less for me to pick up.

And this kid will make a serious mess.
This is what happens when we hang out in the office.
Every time.

1:00pm - Nap #2.  This nap is becoming shorter so I am thinking he is going to end up as a morning napper.  Anyway, during this hour or so I will sometimes relax, read a book, or occasionally nap.  Sometimes I'll blog.  Maybe fold laundry.  

2:30pm - 5:30pm - Baby is up and after a diaper change and some play time we gear up for any planned outings. Short shopping trips, play dates, or gardening are usual romps.  Sometimes we won't go anywhere, but if we went to the gym in the morning that day we will do our 3 mile run during this time.  Also, this is when I finish all the laundry if it was a laundry day.  We'll both have a snack around 3pm.

5:30 - Bottle.

6:00pm - Dinner for Baby!  This meal I don't eat with him, although I may snag a few bites while I feed him.  He doesn't really mind, as he feeds plenty of bites to the dog.

6:30pm - Bath, book, play, songs, prayers...

7:00pm - Bedtime for Baby!  

The rest Hubby should know...

I make us an "adult" meal while drinking a glass of wine and checking my favorite internet haunts.

Dinner is not always "fancy," although I like trying new recipes and making it interesting.  

The night I wrote this, however,  I grilled hot dogs...

and yes, still drank wine.

I ooze classiness sometimes.

wow -- isn't that backsplash coming right along??? still not done.

Then Hubby and I will watch a show on DVR, eat dinner, and head to bed.

Of course...this is all subject to change on the weekends.  But I keep my weekdays pretty routine.

Control-freak, much? 
:) 

So that is a typical day.

I know every stay-at-home mama does things differently.
 There are on-the-go, schedule-free mamas -- the by-the-schedule, routine-lovin' mamas like me --- and everything in between.

I think the important thing is to do what works for you 

and your babies! 

Also, please don't get the impression that my SAHM life runs smoothly every day, or that my little Cormac is a "perfect baby."  I myself tend to tune out when parents try to present their kiddos as "perfect."  No such thing...also, annoying.

On occasion he refuses to: eat, sleep, look me in the eye,
or let go of a fist-full of my hair. He has major meltdowns...

There are some days I just pray that Hubby comes home early so I can crawl into bed {with a glass of wine, of course} and hide.

And that's okay.

:)

g

my life: the proposal

Currently doing a auto-bio series, hoping to reflect, learn, and grow...and for you to get to know this blogger better!  To catch up read:

1.  the kiddo years 

2. the 'tween years

3. high school 

4. College Part 1

5. meeting{future}hubby

6. Portland

7. the breakup

8. College Part 2

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

He was like a breath of fresh air.  Everything about him: the way he was dressed, his hair, his mannerisms.  It was like I was meeting him for the first time -- like we were on a first date.

during our sushi date...uh, clearly still feelings there!

It was my first time eating sushi -- he ordered rolls and pieces that were gentle on 'beginners,' and then showed me how to eat it properly.  I loved everything about it, even his wine choice - it all tasted sweet on my lips.

I got the feeling he had grown up from the boy I had fallen in love with.  Now he was a man, living on his own, with career aspirations and even more confidence than he had before.

During our conversation I began to wonder why I had been wasting my time dating guys that I had known in my heart weren't compatible with me.   Why had I settled with less than I knew I deserved?   Paul was interesting, intelligent, fun, ambitious, polite...the type of man I should have been looking for.   And now here he was, right in front of me, smiling warmly and making me feel something I hadn't felt in forever:  hope. Hope that there would actually be a sweet ending to my love story...not just a bunch of crazy, albeit interesting, beginnings.

Towards the end of our long and enlightening reunion lunch, and I enthusiastically suggested I fly to Tennessee to visit him for a weekend.  He, to my surprise, did not exactly jump at the idea.  He said maybe.  He'd call me.  We'd talk about it.  It was kind of like he didn't really want me to.  

Wow.  I was disappointed, but hid my feelings and agreed to talk more about it later.  I didn't really get it, as he said he didn't have any serious girlfriend there.

Turns out he was guarding his heart.  Who could blame him?   I felt like I had trampled his heart about a million times over the past few years.

I eventually did end up visiting him in Jackson, TN  -- St. Patrick's Day weekend.   We tried to keep it casual at first, but very quickly it was clear we were both wanting to try things again.  Er, actually I made it pretty clear by making the first move.  

We had such a great weekend. In Jackson we had a blast hanging out at his apartment, touring where he worked, even attending church together.  Then we drove to Memphis, ate at a Brazilian steakhouse, danced on Beale Street, and decided, after much discussion, to get back together.  To try a long-distance relationship while I was finishing college.   We both were financially able to make it work.  Whether or not we would emotionally be able to handle it was another story.  We knew it would be tough, but we felt so strongly about each other that it would be crazy not to at least try.

And so began our long distance romance - me still in Minnesota, with less than a year of college left, and him in Tennessee.  

Paul's apartment in Jackson -- I promise we're not naked.

derby eve - louisville 

after brunch with his family - louisville

central park, nyc

 nyc

out in st. paul

kentucky derby - the infield

We managed to survive the trials and tribulations of a long-distance relationship for the next four months.  Each time we saw each other was a whirlwind of fun and excitement.  I guess this was okay, considering the first time we dated we spent nearly every second together, living in our tiny apartment, experiencing all the mundanities of normal life.

We travelled to see each other, talked on the phone a lot, emailed, he made a couple completely surprise visits...which were amazing. There was our typical bickering, and a few major fights.  I'll never claim we've ever been that couple who never quarreled -- we did on a regular basis.  In general, though, it was going very well.  We were definitely hopeful for a future together, someday.

In late June of 2005 we took a trip to Cincinnati.  I'd never been, and he wanted to show me around this city where his career was going to take him soon.  He would be done with the position in Tennessee within the next six months and would be moving to Cincy.

I really liked the city from the start.  Not in the same way that I loved the Twin Cities...but I can say that I immediately felt comfortable and "at home" in the much smaller city of Cincinnati.  Kind of strange, as I'd been to many large cities and never gotten such a distinct "liveable" feeling.  Again, this was God at work in my head and heart.

Paul excitedly showed me everything he could that he thought I might like.  We went to the nearby amusement park, drove around trendy neighborhoods, stayed in a hotel downtown and explored the area thoroughly...I had no idea he had very specific reasons for wanting me to like Cincinnati. 

fountain square

the 'purple people bridge'

view of mount adams

where paul would eventually work 

On Saturday night of our Cincinnati trip, he told me to get dressed up.  This wasn't really surprising, as I dressed up a lot and always had a dress packed just in case.  He knew I loved 'getting fancy' every once in a while.

So I donned a short black dress with pale pink piping, and he, of course, coordinated with me in a pink dress shirt and black pants.  (Yes, we are nerdy like that.)

We went to a popular dining and drinking area called Mount Adams - I made fun of it because it is more like a big hill, unlike any mountain I had ever climbed, but it was very quaint and sort of European-feeling...so I was enamored by his choice.

He led me to a tiny seafood place called Mount Adams Fish House. We had drinks and a wooden slab full of decadent sushi pieces.

I was having a grand time, as always, with the man that I loved...and didn't feel dorky eating sushi in front of.  Even though I might have looked dorky.

During dinner, I couldn't help notice an unusual amount of nervous energy in my date.  Paul seemed to be really energized - much more than usual.  As we conversated he could not keep a huge grin off his face.  I didn't think much of it, except that it was kind of odd.

Then he suggested we take a walk.  Again, didn't think much of it.  Paul is a romantic guy who frequently surprised me.  A walk was not uncommon, except that it was pitch black out and he didn't really seem to know where we were walking to.  Several times he led us down a street and then decided it was not the right way to go.  Finally, he led me to a staircase.  A steep staircase covered by a thick arbor of tree branches.  I couldn't see the bottom.  To be honest, it looked scary.

I refused to go down it - visions of attackers in the shadows with knives dancing in my head.

He was not expecting my reaction, and tried for several minutes to coerce me down the steps.

No success - I wouldn't budge.  I'm not easily coerced into anything.  Plus, I didn't feel like dying.

So he aquiesced to my stubbornness and abandoned the staircase to find another way down to wherever it was he was trying to take us.  He still wouldn't specify.

Finally, we reached our destination.  A park bench situated on the side of the cliff, and the end of a tiny dead-end street.  It gave us a panoramic view of the lights of Cincinnati:

sorry - cheap camera and only photo I have!

It really was a fantastic view of the city and I took that to be the reason he had gone through all that trouble to get me there.  I was completely oblivious to any other intentions.  Completely.

Since I had my camera with, I suggested we take some nerdy, romantic self-pics while we sat there.  He , of course, humored me and we snagged a few lovey-dovey shots:

he hates this photo...I love it

Then his mood turned serious.  Even though I couldn't see his face, I could tell he wanted to tell me something important.  Still, I was completely oblivious.

He started out saying he had "not been honest" with me about something.

Not a good start.  My heart quickened and stomach tightened.  I thought he was going to tell me he had cheated on me or something equally heartbreaking.   I held my tongue and listened as he explained.

"I told you I went to a movie with a friend the other night, but I didn't go see a movie..."

"Okaaaaaaay..." I had no idea where this was going.

Then he went into a long explanation of what he had really been doing but, to be honest, I cannot remember anything he said because all of a sudden he was down on one knee, on the side of the "mountain", in the black of night, pulling something out of his pocket and asking,

"Will you marry me?"  

I was in complete and utter shock.  This was the moment every woman imagines her entire life, and all of a sudden it was happening.  Here I was, twenty four, being asked by the love of my life to marry him.  It should have been an easy answer.

However, my heart was in my throat, and all I could honestly think was, "I'm not ready for this yet!!!"  I wasn't done with school yet, we still lived in different states, it had been forever since we'd had a "normal" dating relationship...was I even ready for the huge commitment of marriage?  Was he? 

At the same time, I couldn't imagine saying no.  I knew in my heart he was the only man I could ever marry.  He truly was who I wanted to spend my life with.  Have babies with.  He was now asking me to do just that.   It was the perfect night, the perfect proposal, the perfect guy...How could I possibly say 'no?'

So I swallowed my doubts, and, I'll admit it, panic, and exclaimed, "Yes!" and we tearfully kissed and embraced, and the diamond ring I still hadn't even seen was placed on my finger on that dark hillside.

Then, of course, we snapped a few "newly engaged" photos:

this princess cut was exactly what I imagined on my finger - simple and classic

We then proceeded to do the things that newly engaged couples do: tell our families and friends and start planning the wedding.

None of it felt real to me.  At 24 I had no idea what kind of wedding I wanted.  While I had always daydreamed about being proposed to, I was not the girl who had been planning her wedding since she was four.   I felt overwhelmed at the prospect of making decisions about such a huge event.

Plus, we still both lived in different states!  My whole life was in Minnesota.  I still had to finish college.We tossed around the idea of a destination wedding, but that didn't really seem right either.  My mom and sister took me dress shopping, and even though many of the gowns looked gorgeous, I was strangely detached and uninterested.  Not a good sign when shopping for the most important dress of your life.

I did not feel ready for any of it.  I felt overwhelmed.  I felt suffocated.  I felt out-of-control of my own life.  I did not want to plan a wedding yet.  I was mentally incapable of dealing with all of the changes being thrust upon me.

I loved Paul with all my heart, but...

I freaked out.

A month later, while we were on a camping trip with my family in northern Minnesota, sitting in a canoe in the twilight, loons crying in the distance...

I gave the ring back.

Tearful, scared, but resolute.  The hardest thing I've ever done.

The engagement was over...but were we over?

Next up...

College Part 3: Graduation 
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first birthday invitations: sneak peak

So I pretty much chose the theme for Cormac's 1st birthday party when he was still in the womb.  Then I hinted at it in this post.  I've been dreaming and planning it longer than a mother honestly should.   Mostly because I function best when I have a lot of things on my plate.  Or I'm crazy.

Here are the invitations in the works...

Yes, folks, we are having a 'mustache bash.'

I know the little man/mustache theme is super trendy right now, but I think it is absolutely adorable and really fits with the "tie onesies" our little guy has been donning throughout the year.   Also, I like it because it can be fun for adults as well...maybe a little more-so than Elmo?  We don't have a ton of friends that have kids here, so I thought about this when choosing the theme as well.   This might make me sound like a bad mama, but...pretty sure these 1st birthday parties are more for the parents benefit anyways.  Um, why don't we just call it a  "We-Survived-the-First-Year-of-Parenting" party?  I jest.  Actually, no, not really. 

Anyway, the invitations were inspired by ones like these, found on Etsy:

{source}

{source}

Clearly the ones I am making are considerably less fancy...but I know nothing about graphic design, and am on a budget.  Plus, I just get a huge kick out of making them myself.  :D

I still haven't finalized the design, and hope to add a couple elements, but...once they are actually sent out I will give you a full view of the invitations and envelopes.

I have had a lot of fun planning all the details, and am looking forward to celebrating the day with those here in Kentucky that love our sweet baby Cormac.  God knows I probably won't have much time or energy to plan 1st birthdays when we have another baby...or two.  

As for my family in Minnesota...we'll be having a mini-party at the farm in about a month!   

More on all things {first birthday} soon!

g

ten months!

Ten months...really? 

Where does the time go?

I wrote a {day in the life} post  forever ago.  Or at least it seems like forever.  It was when Baby Cormac was only six weeks old.  You can read it {here.}  When I look back at that time I realize how things have changed.  As brave of a face as I put on, at that point I was:

tired

overwhelmed

clueless

unscheduled

stir-crazy

tired

Those first eight weeks of motherhood were a bear.  Labor was almost easier than the "new mama" adjustment/survival period.  

Each month since then has gotten easier -- and more fun!  

Watching this little baby grow from a quiet, completely dependent little poop machine into an  

an interactive, high-energy, intense and actually fun 

little boy --

has been awesome.

Our days have have also changed, morphing from being completely different and unexpected every day, to a routine that makes me and baby a lot happier.

Ten month updates:

Still 20 pounds.

Has four teeth.

Sleeps 12 hours every night, without a peep.

Took three steps completely on his own this week...but none since.

Sooooo close to walking, though!

Says "mama" and "dada" but we're not sure 

who he's really addressing.

*  *  *  *  *  * 

Only two months until his first birthday party -- ah!

I just finished designing the invitations...

can't wait to share!

g