minne-snow-ta.

Ever think about where your "happy place" is?  I do.  Maybe it is a thing all mamas do, while their kids are fighting and the house is crazy-messy and the you feel like you might burst into tears if you don't squeeze your eyes shut and mentally escape to the aforementioned "happy place." 

(Or just burst into absurd laughter.  Sometimes, if you don't laugh, you'll cry!  Am I right?) 

Anyway, while I certainly appreciate a nice, warm beach in Mexico, ocean waves crashing and adult drink in my hand, if I had to vote for my happy place it would be my parent's farm in Minnesota.

I am happy to still be able to go there, the same eleven acres I grew up on, and walk/run the trail around the property, thinking big thoughts and listening to the silence of the woods.
I do my best dreaming and planning on these walks.

It doesn't matter the weather.  In fact, our recent visit we were blessed with a snowstorm the day after we arrived, which made the jaunts around the farm even more beautiful.

Colbie waited patiently while I snapped most of these shots with my phone.

I tried to run around the trail with Colbie each day...we both need the fresh air!

looking towards the playhouse from the trail.

I'm always amazed at how intricate details of nature can be.

Occasionally I would stop to warm up in the playhouse.  Cormac is a BIG fan of playing in this - which my dad built from scratch a few years ago.  

Hubby is a big fan of napping up in the loft of the playhouse.

I am a big fan of finding old books my parents have kept since we were little.

Colbie was sometimes allowed into the playhouse.

this was our first "snow experience" this year, so the kids were ecstatic!

Finola enjoyed eating the snow whenever possible.  "Don't eat the yellow snow!" she would parrot.

occasionally we stayed cozy inside!

me and my dad.

Cormac would only cooperate with photos if the fireplace could be in them, too.

sunny winter day out the kitchen bay window.

Bottle of peppermint schnapps that my parents brought back from our ancestors farm in Germany.  They are still distilling after many years, and running a large orchard.  My dad had great stories to tell about meeting them and seeing it all!

the window seat is always a favorite spot.

serious snowy selfie.

at my brother's farm hanging with the cousins.

my little animal lover.

One of our traditions - frozen pizza night!  Nothing fancy for us...we prefer it frozen. :D And with wine, of course! (Besides, I'm not sure there is any place that would deliver out there...)

tired mama - on the long drive home.

sleeping babies.

It was another lovely trip, treasured time with the fam.

Wherever your 'happy place' is, I hope you make it a point to get there as often as you can.

2015 : an honest look at the year

This year has been...well...hard.  And beautiful. 

The beauty came in things we did...

I ran my first marathon.  Training and seeing the incredible things my body could endure was really an awesome journey for me.  Hubby and I travelled to London and Holland and explored - an amazing trip I am grateful for.  We also hung out on a beach in Mexico for a week, drinking in the sun and the ocean waves and just being lazy.  Much needed while in the throes of parenting two little ones.   We did various road trips to Minnesota/WI to hang out with family.  I flew to Montana for an awesome long weekend with my big sis, bro-in-law and their twelve children.   Did a clean eating challenge with Hubby and started a whole new relationship with food...and lost six pounds in the process - yay!

My little girl became a talking, bold, spirited, stubborn two-year-old.  (So, if you are keeping track, that makes two loud, spirited, bold, stubborn children in my house!)  That means a lot of noise and stimulation for this mama!  Ah!  Adjusting to all of that has been the hardest stage for me as a parent. Harder than anything during the newborn/infant months.  Learning to filter noises and find my zen place in the midst of commotion is going to take a lot of practice and patience.

Cormac turned from toddler to full-fledged little boy - very independent, thoughtful, and smart.  The first time he told me he needed his "alone time" (basically to escape from his annoying little sister who is always in his biz) I had to laugh heartily...because I can relate so well.

these two keep me on my toes.

The hard part of this year came through self-discovery...

After training for months and running my marathon in early May, I became kinda depressed.  No longer having such a huge, exciting goal to focus on left me with sort of an emptiness and questioning of what I was meant to be doing.  With both kids growing - and Finola becoming older and "easier" in some ways (harder in others) I began looking at outside ways to spend my time. Should I work outside the home again?  What creative outlet can I find?  (You know, besides this tiny blog.)  The fact is, I'm a girl that needs a goal...and suddenly I had no tangible goal.  And I'll be honest, I sometimes feel like I'm the only person I know who "just" stays home to raise their kids.  Most moms I know, even if they stay-at-home, also have some sort of other gainful employment...whether they need to or they just want to.  This year I watched many, many of my friends find their dream job.  Or the right school to teach at.  Or something they were passionate about selling.  Or they decided they wanted to be a fitness instructor (I now currently know about twenty certified yoga instructors!)  Don't get me wrong - I am incredibly happy for my friends - amazed by them, even!  To have such drive and clarity!  But while my joy for these beautiful and smart women was huge, I began to feel like I wasn't doing "enough." I began to question myself : Should I find a "career" or start a business of some sort?   I didn't really feel called to do anything in particular, though I floated some fun ideas around.  Nothing seemed like something I could do at this point, whilst my babes are at home, and alongside our home renovation and my other hobbies.   Still, there was some sort of irrational pressure I was putting on myself to be something that I'm not.

Feeling utterly overwhelmed by that self-induced (or maybe social media-induced) pressure to add "more" combined with my intermittent bouts of depression, led me to seek outside help - so as not to drive my little family, (excuse the term) crazy.  I desired to be happier - for me and for them.  Long story short - I got a surprising diagnosis!  I bawled tears of relief to finally have a name for something I've struggled with since childhood...and because this particular disorder can be overcome through therapy.  I may write about it someday, but for now I am still figuring things out.

My little story, at the very least, shows that even at the age of thirty-four you can learn something brand-new and useful about yourself.

So, this year has been one of testing my physical endurance, personal growth, and many fun adventures, both solo and with the fam.  I am grateful for it all.

I don't know what 2016 will bring...but here are my hopes:

• more writing
• more running and outside adventuring
• lots and lots of getting rid of unnecessary stuff (using Marie Kondo's lovely book, which I am re-reading to get me re-inspired!)
• backyard hardscaping complete and ready to be landscaped by April 1!
• master bathroom renovated by Sept. 1 - so excited to design this space and actually have one of those things they call a closet to hang my clothes in.
• most importantly - more focus on God's word + family + close friendships, less focus on anything that doesn't "spark joy," as Ms. Kondo might say.

our fam in 2015.  crazy, dramatic, driven.

the backyard fence in progress.  yes, this sad, torn-apart mess will hopefully transform into a beautiful backyard in 2016!

my desk nook.  trying to keep it simple and inspiring.

That's it.  Rather, that's a lot!  Phew.

Let's take 2016 one day at a time, the good with the bad, with hopefully some amount of grace.

Happy New Year!

PS : You might notice the SkinnyMom.com badge in my right column.  This is a wonderful website for mamas striving to be healthy, both mentally and physically!   I have become a contributor for the site and recently got to participate in a test-run for their new healthy eating + workout program The 21 Day Shred.  I can tell you that from my experience, the workouts were easy to do, yet effective, and the food delicious!  It kicks off officially today! Various women in our test-run lost 8-10 pounds! What a positive way to start 2016!
Click HERE to check it out!  

finola and the terrible twos.

I never did a half-birthday post for Finola.

I think that I was too tired to even realize when her half-birthday was.  I think last month.  Maybe the one before?  Anyway, the point is, I've been tired...

...and struggling, ya'll.  With the whole "momming" thing.

Lately I morph into "tired, cranky, angry mommy" more often than I care to admit.  Anytime there is an issue where I don't get enough rest this happens.  So that is most days lately.

For me, "rest" is not just sleep, but quiet time away for introspection.  Away from the chaos that is my children.  Nap time, while I rarely nap, is my "rest time" because it is quiet, I can write, or just get re-centered.   Now a huge chunk of nap time is de-stressing from putting Finola back in bed about thirty times.

I don't mean to complain.  I really can't.  It is just a hard season for me, compared to what I've dealt with thus far.  Finola, from birth, has been a pretty easy kid.  Sure, it took her ten months to "officially" sleep through the night, those 1-2 awakenings for food were not so bad, considering she went right back to sleep after.

And napping.  What a dream!  She settled into a sleep schedule pretty much at birth, all I ever had to do was lay her down and she gave me a smile and went to sleep.

Transitioning to the toddler bed?  Again - easy.  I could put her in bed and say 'good night.'  At least at first.

We are now going on a month of Finola repeatedly getting out of bed at both naps and bedtime.  We know she has had some nightmares that are making her afraid of her darkened room.   But even when we leave a lamp on, door open, she still creeps downstairs, or into her brother's room.  We have begged, bribed, threatened, yelled, calmly stated the consequences, tried to love her through it, given her a million second chances, given her zero second chances, done the "silent retreat" method, and let her cry it out.  Nothing has been too successful.

Hubby can deal with this okay, but for me, it causes a lot of stress.  It is as though I never get a rest from mothering, but it continues until I am so exhausted I want to cry.  On normal days I am mentally pretty much done at 7pm, ready for Hubby to come home and help and so I can pour myself a glass of wine.  Now it seems I am not really done until 9pm, sometimes 10pm.

So you can see why having a third baby at this point is kinda frightening for me!!!  I can't imagine getting up with a baby multiple times per night on top of Fin's refusal to stay in bed.

Anyhow, besides the recent sleeping drama, Finola really, honestly, is a joy to have around.

She has a very big personality.  She doesn't take ANYTHING seriously (opposite of Cormac, my over-thinker/over-analyzer) but rather laughs at everything.  She is not afraid to make demands and push the envelope until she gets her way.   She loves to dance, loves to sing, plays pretty well independently, and is a complete button-pusher.  She knows exactly what to do to torment her big brother, teasing him mercilessly when she knows what makes him mad.  I think she does it out of sheer amusement, not to be mean, but we are working on being kinder.

She doesn't let anyone push her around...in fact, she may be a tad too aggressive.  While other kids might cry if someone takes their toy (ahem, Cormac) Finola will give that other kid the stiff arm, possibly knock them down, stare them straight in the eye and state, "That's mine!" We are working on that, too.

She is a good listener for the most part, seeming to want to do the right thing, even thought every part of her two-year-old brain urges her to just do what she wants and see what she can get away with.   She hates when Dada reprimands her and he can send her into tears with even semi-disappointed look and stern voice.

Even still, she is very much a mama's girl.  Nine times out of ten only mama's snuggles will do.

The potty training is going AWESOME, much to my relief.  We did things a bit differently with her, but she has taken to it well and rarely has accidents, even in public.  Like I said, she wants to do everything herself, just like her big brother, so I think that has helped a lot...having him as a model. SO happy to be diaper free...just wearing pull-ups during sleeping time!

Lots and lots of energy.  I guess I just make really loud + energetic kids.

she is "roaring" here.  she is very much a lioness!

Favorite foods are fruit and ice cream with sprinkles.  Hates chocolate.

She is a pretty good conversationalist.  Speaks very clearly for her age, makes good eye contact, and doesn't beat around the bush.

Well, that is Fin, six months away from being three.  Supposedly that is worse than two, although I don't think I remember that being the case with Cormac.  It is possibly I am choosing subconsciously to forget.

I looked back on the post I did for Cormac at 2.5, and cannot believe I already had baby Finola at that point.  So fun to compare and see how very different they were at this age...and yet some things are the same.

I love having a girl, particularly you, my little Nola.   I hope we are best friends when you are older. I hope you love Jesus with a fierce passion.  I hope you never lose your tenacity and loud, joyous laugh!  I hope you always ask me to scratch your back and say things like, "Mama, I make you happy!" Because you do.  You really do.

Now, get back in bed.  ;)

the tree - and traditions.

As a kid I distinctly remember trudging through knee-deep snow in the woods, following my dad with his saw, searching for our Christmas tree. 

There was no official "tree farm" but we were allowed to go through and pick out anyone we could find on the land of one of the church elders, free of charge.  We always found one, a big one -- tall, yet buxom with boughs of Balsam needles, the easiest for little hands to put decorations on.

The tree was put in the basement family room of our split-level home, which also housed a huge stone fireplace whose wide hearth was the stage for many a performance by one of the four kids in our family.

Lights on our Christmas tree were always blue, decorations hand-made by us or folks from our church.  Nothing super fancy; yet Christmas always felt magical at our house.  My mom always made sure Christmas was really beautiful for us.  In actuality, we were spoiled.  We always got the "big gift" we dreamed of each year, whether or not we could afford it.  And the smorgasbord of food on Christmas Eve, from which we filled up plate after plate to nibble on while opening gifts, was nothing short of amazing.  Mom was intent on making Christmas a holiday we would dream about all year.  She always made it happen.  Her efforts made the entire month so special.

I think it rubbed off on my sister and I, as we both have confessed to trying to do the same for our young families - create that magic.  Mom set the bar pretty high.  For example, I can't imagine not having a real tree, despite the lovely artificial ones that are out there.  It is tradition.  Others? We always open our gifts on Christmas Eve, after coming home from church and putting on our Christmas pjs.  I have special foods I make for that night.  Christmas Day is about relaxing and eating and maybe not leaving the house at all. Any family is welcome to come and visit us, and eat and be merry with us...but we will be in our pjs, most likely.

And there are a few new traditions...a birthday cake and singing for Jesus, Polar Express movie night, and cookie exchange parties with friends.   New and old, together.  Our Christmas.

This year, as we have every year since we got married, we went to a tree farm out in the country to chop down our tree.   A new place this year, but every bit as fun.

snuggling on a hay bale in the barn.

baby trees!

the wagon trail.

um, the kids were a bit cold.  forgot the mittens.

following dada, wearing his official, bright red, tree-chopping sweater he wears every year.

"wait for me!" 

even the trees look cold.

frozen spider webs.

collecting rocks for her pockets, per usual.

they look peaceful, though probably arguing.

winner?

this was the one.  WAY too big but we decided we could cut it down to size if necessary.

Yep, Hubby lugged that behemoth of a tree with his bare hands a quarter mile back to the barn.  By the time he got there he was in his t-shirt and no hat, sweating profusely.  Ah, memories.  :)

Meanwhile, I was with the kiddos getting warm with hot chocolate, homemade cookies and hot dogs.

It was a really nice morning; although, being from Minnesota a bit of snow would have been nice! You know, just in December...January 1st it can all melt... :)

+ + + + + + + + 

This season of Advent, roughly the month of December, is about preparing for the coming of a Savior for mankind.  Christmas Eve we celebrate that miracle birth of long ago.  A baby, yet a King.   However you celebrate, whatever traditions you and your family have,  keep that truth in your hearts!