meant for motherhood. yes, even me.

I never thought I'd be a mom.  Sure I'd daydream about the husband and house and kids, but I never really thought it would happen for me.

You see, I was never super nurturing.  I didn't push around my dolls in a tiny stroller and pretend I was their mommy.  I was not a sweet older sister to my little brother - tormented him relentlessly is more accurate. Then as a teenager, while I thought it was fun to help with Bible School at church, I rarely babysat and had no desire to hold tiny babies or change diapers. 

No one ever said to me in my younger years "You are going to be such a great mom someday." 
Not even once.

But the truth is this : God has much better ideas about you than other people do.

In my twenties I told myself all kinds of lies, like I wasn't deserving of motherhood. That motherhood was for other women, and I'd probably be physically unable to get pregnant.

Then - motherhood was thrown to me like a fastball. (And I suck at sports.)  Hubby and I had been married three years, had the house and the dog, I was approaching thirty. A baby seemed like the next logical step.  I didn't get my hopes up going into the process...but it happened before I could even comprehend it.

As soon as I knew there was a baby inside me, there was a radical shift in my mindset.   I almost heard God whispering, "This is what I want for you.  None of that other stuff you are doing or have done.  The selfish stuff, the unhealthy stuff.  Give that up and take this.  This is the thing I have for you and it will save you. This is grace." 

Sure, the whole first year of motherhood I was a complete mess.  I hadn't a clue what I was doing.  I made tons of mistakes.  I stressed out and read a million parenting books.  I probably gave Cormac permanent anxiety from all my hovering and helicoptering I did during his baby years.

Eight years later I'm still a mess.  I yell at my kids, nag them and my husband, am rather disorganized and have dropped the ball about plenty of school stuff (thankfully Cormac is SUPER organized and reminds me of the important details.)

If I compare myself to other moms it could leave me paralyzed.  Sometimes I look at social media and think : Why is it that some moms seemingly can do it all and have it all and I can barely do the minimum? 

Then I stop the comparing and I remember the grace.  I remember the things I do right with my kids. I love laughing with them and goofing around.  I acknowledge their feelings and make sure they know they can express them and feel them all safely.   I read to them voraciously and tell them about Jesus and say I'm sorry when I screw up.

I remember that God meant me for these kids.  That my past experiences can help me parent them.  Motherhood has forced me to address issues I had pushed down, causing me to seek help and work through things and grow even further as a mom and a person.

I will always be a work in progress.  Always.

However, now I see that I was meant for motherhood.  Even me.

I wish I could go back to that spirited little girl, that angsty teen, and that hot mess of a twenty-something version of myself, grasp her hands and tell her lovingly, "You are going to be a great mom, someday.  What you are going through now will make you that mom."

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May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I encourage you to check in with your kids and with your own self, address issues that arise in a timely way, and get help when necessary.  You are helping write their story, and even though you won't be perfect and you are not meant to be a perfect parent, you can help them by caring what they are going through and paying attention. 

my sister.

With Mother's Day coming up, I've been thinking about the mamas that inspire me.  Right now my circle of friends consists mostly of mothers.  Many are "beginners" like me, just struggling through. Some have careers outside the home, some stay at home full time.  Some with one tiny baby, and others with a gaggle of toddlers.  All just doing our best and surviving this beautiful + hectic phase of our lives!

Although she lives across the country in Montana, I am happy to get to experience motherhood alongside my big sister, Heidi.  We were pregnant twice at the same time, and have leaned on each other for encouragement even from afar.

Growing up I pretty much idolized Heidi.  She is five years older, and has always been very likable, fun, stylish, and beautiful inside and out.

I was certainly the annoying little sister who stole her clothes, copied her hairstyles, read her diary/notes from boys, and tried to hang out with her and all her cool friends!

When Heidi went away to college all of a sudden our relationship shifted -- and the separation in living circumstances actually made us closer!  I still adored her and followed all her friendships and dating adventures with fascination...but she definitely embraced her role of big sis to me then, when I wasn't underfoot and in her biz!

2003

When Heid got married and moved across the country (and I started college) we amazingly got EVEN closer!  I don't even know how it happened but sisterhood somehow deepened into friendship.

with our mama, 2001,  makeupless (er, as much as we get!) post-canoe trip!  #beautybag #thehut

Easter 2015 - fourteen years later!

My sister was a teacher for years before she and her hubby decided to have kids.  Throughout the coming years they struggled through several miscarriages...and I felt Heid's heartache through it all, just as I experience her joy during happy times.  I listened to her announce to me with excitement when she learned of a pregnancy...and then call me again to share the news of sorrow of another baby going up to heaven. She dealt with it with prayer and strength in Jesus.  Her faith and transparency in such a difficult time was pretty incredible to me.

Now, she is a mama to four beautiful kiddos, juggling an age range of 2 to 10, complete with a packed calendar packed with school, sports, and church activities.

my gorgeous sister and her beautiful family of six

Heidi chose to stay at home full-time, just as our own mama did, and just as, coincidentally, I also did.  This definitely is financial sacrifice, particularly for their family.  She does try to squeeze in babysitting and substitute teaching to help out, which I am completely amazed by given how busy her family is!  They make it work - again, by trusting in God, who always seems to provide.

I could share lots of fun and embarrassing photos of me and my big sis...but instead I'll just say how happy I am to have such an awesome example of a mother in her.  Strong yet kind.  Soft-hearted, yet firm in her faith.

I love you, sister!  I am glad your daughters will have each other just like we always did!

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Got an inspiring mama in your life?  

Surprise her with a gift card from Stitch Fix for Mother's Day!  

I've enjoyed using this service for the past year (read about my Fixes here) and it's a fun way to surprise a busy mama with some lovely clothing/accessories!

Click the photo below to get started!