2016 // in words

Before I post a recap of 2016 in photographs - which will show the joyful, fun, exciting, peaceful moments from our year - I wanted to share the deeper thoughts on my heart as I reflect on this most recent trip around the sun.

I can look back on periods of my life (such as my twenties) and say that I was a fairly static character. I was pretty selfish, busy, self-absorbed.  I worked a lot, studied and read voraciously, spent a lot of time by myself, socialized only when it was convenient and did not interfere with my introverted tendencies.   

I ignored a lot of really big issues in my life, issues in my psyche that needed love and attention. I ignored them and told myself I'd be fine.  Or settled for being "not fine." 

My thirties have brought me to a whole new level of self-awareness...and awareness of those around me.  Having children forced me to deal with issues from my adolescence that I had buried unconsciously - probably under the guise of survival.  There is nothing like seeing your own negative tendencies in your children to snap you into a realization that you need to fix some things about yourself in order to be the best parent you can be for them.

So in 2016 I made some pretty significant adjustments to my life, though at the time I had no idea how profoundly they would affect me.  In the spring I signed up for the women's elective Bible study at my church, which happened to be Pricilla Shirer's Armor of God. In 2015 I really struggled with my depression/anxiety, and at the start of 2016 I was still searching for a good and healthy way to cope.  

I knew God was using this aspect of my life, my mental health, to bring me back to Him.  However, as many people do, I had dug in my heels for many years, calling myself "Christian" and praying to God (and probably complaining more than necessary) but not really nurturing or building my relationship with Him.

Raising tiny, sweet babies had appeased my soul and pushed aside any inner struggles for a while. But as they got older - dealing with noisy toddlers day in and day out - I was struggling for mental peace and searching desperately for answers in how to survive it all.

The Armor of God study, going to church those Wednesday nights in the early spring and never missing, even when I didn't feel like going -- that was a turning point for me.  If you ever think one small choice - like attending a Bible study at your church - can't make a significant difference in your life, boy, let me tell you : it can.

I'll admit, I felt uncomfortable sitting with my small group those nights, some of them very outspoken Christian women who are at a level in their faith that I am nowhere near.  I struggled to verbalize my relationship with Jesus and honestly just felt unworthy sharing my faith -- my inner struggles and past mistakes being used by Satan to silence me.  I was shy and very quiet, as I can be when I feel completely out of my element.  But I kept telling myself - this is good, Greta.  This is where you need to be.  You should be the quiet one, the learner, the listener - you have to be.  

Spring of 2016 changed me.  During that study, I started dedicating my early mornings to time to God...reading Armor of God, the Bible, and talking to Jesus, actively. Getting up, brewing my coffee, and being with Him became a habit that, if missed, threw off my whole day.  Those thirty or more minutes with Him became crucial.  They still are.

Not that it solved all my problems, making this switch from blogging or checking social media first thing to being in the Bible and prayer.  It did prepare me and help me in dealing with other issues, though.

Another big change in 2016 was that I finally found (or perhaps, God led me to) a counselor that I click with.  I am a huge proponent of therapy and attending to your mental health.

Even if you don't feel like you need "therapy" I will say that, as a mama, things can be overwhelming (ya'll know what I am saying) and sometimes it is essential to have a non-judgmental third-party to vent to.  A "drain," if you will.  I needed this - need this - maybe you do, too.

Anyway, I have tried over the years to connect with many different mental health counselors, and never found one that I felt "got" me.  In 2016, though, I did.  Hurray!  For a while I was going once a week, but recently I've been going about once a month.  I have learned more about myself and how to cope with certain situations (or radically accept them) over the past year than in my entire lifetime.  I have let go of more ugly thoughts in 2016 than I can say -- and for that I feel lighter.

So the past year I started making time for God every single morning, opened myself up to relationships, ended unhealthy relationships, found an amazing female therapist to help me vent and get through issues, and survived another year of motherhood!  

There is always room for growth.  I still feel overwhelmed a lot.  I still need to drink way more water and eat many more vegetables.  I still sometimes regress and get caught up in the social media comparison game and have to check myself.  I still don't know whether or not we should have another baby, or call our family complete.

Maybe 2017 will provide some answers?  Maybe not.  I am excited to see.

How do you feel?  What has changed in the past year for you?  What is still the same?

Whether you are focused on meeting goals, making changes, or simply survival - be hopeful, pray fervently, and never give up.

Happy New Year from our family to yours!

2015 : an honest look at the year

This year has been...well...hard.  And beautiful. 

The beauty came in things we did...

I ran my first marathon.  Training and seeing the incredible things my body could endure was really an awesome journey for me.  Hubby and I travelled to London and Holland and explored - an amazing trip I am grateful for.  We also hung out on a beach in Mexico for a week, drinking in the sun and the ocean waves and just being lazy.  Much needed while in the throes of parenting two little ones.   We did various road trips to Minnesota/WI to hang out with family.  I flew to Montana for an awesome long weekend with my big sis, bro-in-law and their twelve children.   Did a clean eating challenge with Hubby and started a whole new relationship with food...and lost six pounds in the process - yay!

My little girl became a talking, bold, spirited, stubborn two-year-old.  (So, if you are keeping track, that makes two loud, spirited, bold, stubborn children in my house!)  That means a lot of noise and stimulation for this mama!  Ah!  Adjusting to all of that has been the hardest stage for me as a parent. Harder than anything during the newborn/infant months.  Learning to filter noises and find my zen place in the midst of commotion is going to take a lot of practice and patience.

Cormac turned from toddler to full-fledged little boy - very independent, thoughtful, and smart.  The first time he told me he needed his "alone time" (basically to escape from his annoying little sister who is always in his biz) I had to laugh heartily...because I can relate so well.

these two keep me on my toes.

The hard part of this year came through self-discovery...

After training for months and running my marathon in early May, I became kinda depressed.  No longer having such a huge, exciting goal to focus on left me with sort of an emptiness and questioning of what I was meant to be doing.  With both kids growing - and Finola becoming older and "easier" in some ways (harder in others) I began looking at outside ways to spend my time. Should I work outside the home again?  What creative outlet can I find?  (You know, besides this tiny blog.)  The fact is, I'm a girl that needs a goal...and suddenly I had no tangible goal.  And I'll be honest, I sometimes feel like I'm the only person I know who "just" stays home to raise their kids.  Most moms I know, even if they stay-at-home, also have some sort of other gainful employment...whether they need to or they just want to.  This year I watched many, many of my friends find their dream job.  Or the right school to teach at.  Or something they were passionate about selling.  Or they decided they wanted to be a fitness instructor (I now currently know about twenty certified yoga instructors!)  Don't get me wrong - I am incredibly happy for my friends - amazed by them, even!  To have such drive and clarity!  But while my joy for these beautiful and smart women was huge, I began to feel like I wasn't doing "enough." I began to question myself : Should I find a "career" or start a business of some sort?   I didn't really feel called to do anything in particular, though I floated some fun ideas around.  Nothing seemed like something I could do at this point, whilst my babes are at home, and alongside our home renovation and my other hobbies.   Still, there was some sort of irrational pressure I was putting on myself to be something that I'm not.

Feeling utterly overwhelmed by that self-induced (or maybe social media-induced) pressure to add "more" combined with my intermittent bouts of depression, led me to seek outside help - so as not to drive my little family, (excuse the term) crazy.  I desired to be happier - for me and for them.  Long story short - I got a surprising diagnosis!  I bawled tears of relief to finally have a name for something I've struggled with since childhood...and because this particular disorder can be overcome through therapy.  I may write about it someday, but for now I am still figuring things out.

My little story, at the very least, shows that even at the age of thirty-four you can learn something brand-new and useful about yourself.

So, this year has been one of testing my physical endurance, personal growth, and many fun adventures, both solo and with the fam.  I am grateful for it all.

I don't know what 2016 will bring...but here are my hopes:

• more writing
• more running and outside adventuring
• lots and lots of getting rid of unnecessary stuff (using Marie Kondo's lovely book, which I am re-reading to get me re-inspired!)
• backyard hardscaping complete and ready to be landscaped by April 1!
• master bathroom renovated by Sept. 1 - so excited to design this space and actually have one of those things they call a closet to hang my clothes in.
• most importantly - more focus on God's word + family + close friendships, less focus on anything that doesn't "spark joy," as Ms. Kondo might say.

our fam in 2015.  crazy, dramatic, driven.

the backyard fence in progress.  yes, this sad, torn-apart mess will hopefully transform into a beautiful backyard in 2016!

my desk nook.  trying to keep it simple and inspiring.

That's it.  Rather, that's a lot!  Phew.

Let's take 2016 one day at a time, the good with the bad, with hopefully some amount of grace.

Happy New Year!

PS : You might notice the SkinnyMom.com badge in my right column.  This is a wonderful website for mamas striving to be healthy, both mentally and physically!   I have become a contributor for the site and recently got to participate in a test-run for their new healthy eating + workout program The 21 Day Shred.  I can tell you that from my experience, the workouts were easy to do, yet effective, and the food delicious!  It kicks off officially today! Various women in our test-run lost 8-10 pounds! What a positive way to start 2016!
Click HERE to check it out!  

//2015 resolutions -- less is more//

It's one of those days you take stock.  You feel revived (or hung over.)  You have big dreams for a new year.

Last night I stayed up until midnight for the first time in several years -- probably since having kids. No, we didn't go out and party.  We ordered takeout sushi rolls and shrimp fried rice, I drank a Red Bull (in order to stay up) and we watched a movie.  I knew it had struck the magical hour of midnight not because of a countdown or someone trying to kiss me or confetti flying through the air, but because I heard fireworks outside our home which prompted me to check the time.  12:01.

The proverbial ball had dropped in our city -- it was 2015!  And we were snuggled on the couch watching Wolf of Wall Street on NetFlix.

So it's not glamorous -- but it is our life currently, and it is kind of a lovely one, in my book.

Hubby and I have had flashy, exciting New Year's celebrations before.  Going out with friends and dressing to the nines.  I am sure we will again!  But during these days of babies and toddlers and lack of sleep, it is jammies and takeout and a movie.

Now it is 6:30 in the morning and time for me to make the resolutions 'blog official.' Somehow it always helps to write things out - in a journal, blog, or scrap of paper you hang on your fridge.

I have quite a few resolutions and personal things I really want to work on this year.  I am sure we all do, right?  But if pressed for concrete goals, here are my two:

1) Run my first marathon.  I am up to the 14 mile point in my training and I am loving my long runs.   I am excited to complete this goal I have had in my mind for such a long time!
2) Learn to sew.  Okay, so not only did I not start cooking until I got married at age twenty-six, but I really had not acquired any of the life skills that most of our grandmothers and great-grandmothers all were required to know.  Honestly, I am not even sure I could efficiently hand sew a button. If you had a mother or grandma that taught you these things, consider that a blessing!  We went through a period in time where these skills seemed to become obsolete and only in recent years (thank you Etsy and Pinterest!) that knowing how to DIY has once again become a useful, desired, and marketable skill. I am excited in the nerdiest of ways to learn to use my new sewing machine.   I already have a list of things I want to make, and I am hopeful I become proficient enough in the coming years to be able to teach Cormac and Finola a thing or two when they are old enough.

So that is it -- two major things to accomplish.  Doesn't seem like much.  I think that naturally I will accomplish more than this, but I don't want to stress myself out complicating things.  I like this as my mantra for the year...

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+ + + + + +

What are your goals/resolutions for 2015?  

10 resolutions

1. Buy/wear more cute shoes.  I'll admit it.  I was a huge shoe lover pre-babies.  I spent eight years working in the shoe biz, so wearing fashionable footwear was a requirement that I relished.  After having Cormac I started seriously slacking in the stylish footwear department.  I have barely purchased any new shoes in the past two years, never mind cute ones.  More like comfortable and practical.  I still sometimes put on a pair of cute heels, but I'm now five months preggo, so it doesn't last long.

Source: vogueandcoffee.tumblr.com via Greta on Pinterest

2. Have a natural birth.  You can read about my first birth here.  I wanted to go naturally, but if you have had a baby you know that plans can change.  This time I will be armed with an experienced doula and more realistic expectations on how long labor can take.   This girl is preparing for 20+ hours of hard labor.  Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised with 12-15?

3. Drink more water.  Yep, it's on the list again. I guess I need to quantify this.  How about 5 bottles (um, the smallish ones) a day?  Even that sounds like a lot...but here we go!

4. Gain less than 35 pounds this pregnancy.  I gained 38 last time, which I was fine with, and lost.  However, 35 sounds like a much nicer, more even odd number.  :)

5. Do yoga throughout my entire pregnancy.  I think I can do this one.  Been doing pi-yo each week and despite my burgeoning belly have managed to remain doing all the poses asked of me.  Except the one where we are supposed to lay on our tummy, reach back and grab our feet, and rock back and forth in the stretch.   I do child's pose during that one so I don't squash my, um, child. 

6. Bake more.  This Christmas I was such a good girl I was given a Kitchenaid mixer!  I didn't technically ask for this, even though I have wanted one for years...so it must be a sign. I really have to get my bake on.  Be prepared for plenty of posts on those adventures!

Source: jotpress.com via Greta on Pinterest

7. Run a half marathon.  I am planning on doing one that occurs here in late September.  I'm an avid runner (the consistent, 3 mile a day kind) who has done plenty of 5 and 10K races...but never a half marathon.  Excited!
8.  Be more patient with Hubby.  Sometimes I feel like I can be really patient with my toddler, but then my poor Hubby gets the brunt of my impatience.  Especially when it comes to the renovations on our house.  We are going on 11 weeks without a kitchen.  However, I am promised by the end of today, I will be able to cook dinner with operable appliances and clean countertops.  We shall see.  If not, then I will just try to be more patient.  {ps - it happened!  I cooked dinner for the first time in months!}
9. Decorate our master bedroom!  Since moving into the 'dream home' I haven't really decorated. {Hubby renovates, I decorate.}  Nothing looks very personal because we have walls to patch/paint, flooring to redo, bedrooms to move around, and all the little items that make a house a home {art, family photos, accessories} seems to be packed away in the basement.  BUT...the master bedroom will stay where it is, and it is already painted a color I love...so...new bedding, art to be hung, new rug, window panels/hardware, and accessories are in the works.  Reveal to come!
10. Host a baby shower!  (Not my own, don't worry.)  I've never hosted any type of shower before, so I am pretty pumped and thankful to my sweet friend for entrusting me with this honor.  Can't wait to share how everything turns out with you!

So what are your resolutions this year?  They say the best way to make a goal turn into reality is to write it down, share it with others to hold you accountable,  and journal about your progress...so...perhaps you will start a blog if you haven't already?  :D

Linking with Lauren and Tiffany...

Happy New Year!
g

{be resolute}

I think of all the New Year's resolutions 

to be made right now and my head starts to spin.  

Of course I want to be healthier.  Of course I want to be more organized.   Of course I want to be a better wife and mother.  And on.  And on.

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It is enough to make a girl throw her hands up and ask the heavens, BUT HOW?!?!  They are such broad and lofty goals!  I realize I am the type of person who needs I need baby steps.  I need a precise plan of attack.

This year I resolve to be more resolute.  That is, wholeheartedly commit myself to something concrete.  I will commit myself to the following three manageable, attainable goals:

I will drink 3 bottles {or more} of water per day.  Formerly I barely drink any water...unless you count that which is in coffee. I would fill up my Nalgene in the morning and it would sit on the kitchen counter all day, untouched.  It's so big. That's soooo much water! I would think and ignore it.  Even when I would go to the gym I would usually forget my water.  So now I am toting a smaller {less bulky, more portable} bottle around with me wherever I go.  So far I've drank at least three each day, some days five or six.   My pregnancy prepared me for all the peeing I'm doing now.

I will take a nap every day.  I never did much napping...and I should.  I clean and plan and run and push and play and entertain baby...and by the end of the day I am not the most fun person to be around.  Hubby would always ask, "Why don't you take a nap during the day?"  Others would advise, "Sleep when he sleeps!"  Ha, I would think, my head buzzing with all the tasks I wanted to check off my list.  But something has to give, and since Baby takes 3 naps a day I resolve to dedicate one of those to napping myself.  Well, at least for 30 minutes.  Power nap.  This should help with the whole "be a better wife and mother" thing. :)

I will get my abs back.  I have never had a perfect body {no one does...except maybe Gisele} but my tummy was one of the parts of my bod I especially liked.  Also, I felt really great before and during my pregnancy and mostly now I'd like to get that feeling back -- of health and strength! And flat abs.  Sigh.  I have learned that even if you had a hard, flat tummy pre-pregnancy it will not stay that way.  You have to work back to it.  I remember being visited by an in-home nurse a couple days after delivering my baby boy in July, listening intently to everything she had to say, but then grabbing my "baby belly"and asking her -- "Okay...but when will this go away????" I was sort of trying to be funny {post-labor attempts at humor are always a hoot} but she took me seriously.

Her answer sticks in my mind even today, "Well, that is up to you."  
In other words: Be resolute.

So my plan is to cut out carbonated beverages completely {goodbye for now, my precious Red Bull!!!}, as well as cut out sugary snacks.  Thankfully I'm not a big soda drinker and have never had a major sweet tooth.  But every little change helps. Plus, I'll continue to run and have started doing strength training again at the gym.  Oh, and crunches.  Lots and lots of crunches.

Well, time for a nap... :)

g

goodbye 2011, hello 2012

2011 was my first full year of blogging... 

and oh, what joy it has been documenting my life and loves

and sharing what makes me feel
warm & happy

with anyone who visits.  

Here are some highlights from this past year...such a wonderful year...

January started with finally announcing my pregnancy -- my first baby bump alert!  I was so excited to be pregnant with our baby boy, Cormac Landon.

February was rather uneventful, but I did have a lovely Valentine's Date with Hubby and rocked the bump:

March brought a long weekend trip to NYC.  We've been there quite a few times, but this time was especially fun with a few NCAA basketball wins for the Wildcats.  Another adventure I'll never forget!

Some Time Square love:

April and May brought some beautiful baby showers as well as my final few months preggo.  I was HUGE ...but not too huge to put the finishing touches on the nursery.  In June it was ready for the reveal party and to be unveiled on the blog.  I had such a fun time creating this space for the little one...okay, and for me!

In July I turned 30!  Oh! The horror!  Really it was not that traumatic.  I think my thirties will be the best years ever.  Plus, I was ginormously pregnant, so I had other things to worry about.  Like peeing every five minutes. Also in July...Baby was born!  I announced the birth and told the whole gory/beautiful story eventually.  I blogged a LOT about my pregnancy and new baby...mainly because they were/are such amazing parts of my life.  I adored being pregnant and hope to someday share another birth with world.  But meanwhile, I will enjoy every minute with this guy...

July and August I was in survival mode, so I didn't blog all that much...except for the occasional new mommy rant.  Those first eight weeks were really tough, but oh so sweet in so many ways.  I now look at brand new babies and feel a tinge of sadness that Cormac will never be that teeny tiny again! Then that feeling passes and I am grateful for the sleep I now get. :)

In September we travelled to Europe to visit my parents who were living in Prague doing ministry for a year.  Those two weeks were incredible...and busy!  I didn't post much about our two weeks there, but I did share some photographs in this post.  Here are a few more...

Some pretty important guys in my life...

The Bjorn has been a lifesaver on many journeys.

It was hard not to love the city of Prague!

My dad baptizes Baby Cormac.  Welcome to the family!

October, November and December were spent doing a little baking, a little confessing, a little adventuring and a lot of figuring out how to be a mama.
Whew.  What a year.

What will 2012 bring?  One can never be sure.  I can say that we just purchased a big old house built in 1859 that we will begin renovating. Feeling incredibly blessed and excited about this new project!

  Little Baby Mac will {God-willing} grown into Little Toddler Mac which is sure to bring many adventures!  I am already planning his epic 1st birthday party.  (Yeah, I am that obsessive.)

Also pretty confident I will drink lots and lots of coffee.  That is a given.  

Oh, and we have some travel plans looming which include:  my first time in New Orleans, perhaps a weekend in Hotlanta, and a June trip to Toronto to visit the set of the Anne of Green Gables movies.

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 If your heart just skipped a beat, too, then we are kindred spirits, you and I.

g