meant for motherhood. yes, even me.

I never thought I'd be a mom.  Sure I'd daydream about the husband and house and kids, but I never really thought it would happen for me.

You see, I was never super nurturing.  I didn't push around my dolls in a tiny stroller and pretend I was their mommy.  I was not a sweet older sister to my little brother - tormented him relentlessly is more accurate. Then as a teenager, while I thought it was fun to help with Bible School at church, I rarely babysat and had no desire to hold tiny babies or change diapers. 

No one ever said to me in my younger years "You are going to be such a great mom someday." 
Not even once.

But the truth is this : God has much better ideas about you than other people do.

In my twenties I told myself all kinds of lies, like I wasn't deserving of motherhood. That motherhood was for other women, and I'd probably be physically unable to get pregnant.

Then - motherhood was thrown to me like a fastball. (And I suck at sports.)  Hubby and I had been married three years, had the house and the dog, I was approaching thirty. A baby seemed like the next logical step.  I didn't get my hopes up going into the process...but it happened before I could even comprehend it.

As soon as I knew there was a baby inside me, there was a radical shift in my mindset.   I almost heard God whispering, "This is what I want for you.  None of that other stuff you are doing or have done.  The selfish stuff, the unhealthy stuff.  Give that up and take this.  This is the thing I have for you and it will save you. This is grace." 

Sure, the whole first year of motherhood I was a complete mess.  I hadn't a clue what I was doing.  I made tons of mistakes.  I stressed out and read a million parenting books.  I probably gave Cormac permanent anxiety from all my hovering and helicoptering I did during his baby years.

Eight years later I'm still a mess.  I yell at my kids, nag them and my husband, am rather disorganized and have dropped the ball about plenty of school stuff (thankfully Cormac is SUPER organized and reminds me of the important details.)

If I compare myself to other moms it could leave me paralyzed.  Sometimes I look at social media and think : Why is it that some moms seemingly can do it all and have it all and I can barely do the minimum? 

Then I stop the comparing and I remember the grace.  I remember the things I do right with my kids. I love laughing with them and goofing around.  I acknowledge their feelings and make sure they know they can express them and feel them all safely.   I read to them voraciously and tell them about Jesus and say I'm sorry when I screw up.

I remember that God meant me for these kids.  That my past experiences can help me parent them.  Motherhood has forced me to address issues I had pushed down, causing me to seek help and work through things and grow even further as a mom and a person.

I will always be a work in progress.  Always.

However, now I see that I was meant for motherhood.  Even me.

I wish I could go back to that spirited little girl, that angsty teen, and that hot mess of a twenty-something version of myself, grasp her hands and tell her lovingly, "You are going to be a great mom, someday.  What you are going through now will make you that mom."

+ + + + + + + + 

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I encourage you to check in with your kids and with your own self, address issues that arise in a timely way, and get help when necessary.  You are helping write their story, and even though you won't be perfect and you are not meant to be a perfect parent, you can help them by caring what they are going through and paying attention. 

fearfully + wonderfully.

Recently my daughter came home told me how she had cried at school that day.

When I asked her why she said, "Some of the kids made fun of me today before gym - they saw my belly and laughed.  So I didn't want to change."

My mama heart sank.

Already?  In Kindergarten?  Body shaming?  I ached with disappointment that my joyful, happy daughter was already having her confidence chipped away by comments such as this.

I remember being teased as a pre-pubescent kid  - about my non-existent breasts, my super-oily, blemish-ridden skin.  I remember forgetting all the good things about myself in those moments, and feeling defined by the supposed flaw being publicly pointed out.

But I don't remember it being at the tiny, tender age of five.

I know that this is only the first incident of many when one of my children will come home crying, hurt by a comment made by someone else.  I know they have to learn to deal with it, because this will unfortunately occur all throughout their lives.

I know all this - and yet it doesn't make it any easier.

Dang.  Parenting is rough and seriously each day comes with a new challenge.  I was just hoping this one would come much later.

So how should we deal with this gracefully as parents - particularly as mothers?  Body image is a big topic.  It is one I have personally struggled with, having grown up being sent a very clear message that what you look like is important.

The fact is we cannot prevent the comments or opinions of others.  As Rachel Hollis often quotes her therapist : "Other people's opinions are none of your business!"  I love that.  But can a five-year-old abide by that truth?

My daughter is awesome -- she is funny, and bold, and caring.  Those things are what matter.  She has amazing qualities that are to be praised!  She was made on purpose, by a great and loving God.

For you created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Psalm 139:13-14)

Besides teaching our kids that inner beauty is more important than physical appearance, we can also try our best to set a good example of kindness and encouragement -  to other people...but also, just as importantly, to ourselves.

I am telling all this to myself most of all, because I could write all day about my shortcomings as a mom and insecurities.  I used to promise myself I would not self-criticize in front of my daughter...but I can't say I've been 100% successful at that.  She has probably heard me body-shame myself, and it hurts to even write that.  But tomorrow is always a new day, and all I can do is keep striving and showing up.  To speak to myself with love, instead of criticism -  particularly regarding my body.  My kids are hearing all of it, and it may be helping them "build the house" they end up living in.

source : @hellosunshine IG

Recently it was National Women's Day, and there was so much love going around social media  regarding women.  It was day that was inspiring and so full of positivity!

Let's not keep the "girl power" vibe just to one day, though!  Let's try to teach our daughters every single day where their true value lies - and that is definitely NOT in their size or shape.

Let's teach ourselves that, too.

six years.

his first selfie.

The thirteenth marked six years since Cormac was born, and I became a mama.

As I reflect on his birth and motherhood, I realize how much both of these things changed me so much as a person...and I thank God for that.  I often refer to Cormac as my "lifesaver baby" as, while I won't go into specific reasons, his arrival in the womb has always represented grace for me.  Grace that God gave me to forgive myself and to move forward and make changes in my life.  I don't believe having a baby is a "fix all" for anything, but having this baby certainly changed me for the better.

golden hour.

Cormac is smart (sometimes smarter than me), logical, joyful, analytical, highly sensitive to stimulus, thoughtful, and perceptive.

Lately he is obsessed with math and Legos and Power Rangers.

He is learning chess from Daddy and seems to love the strategy of it all. {insert blank-face emoji from me}

He likes time to himself more now, or time one-on-one with me or Hubby.  While he loves time with friends (it has been so fun to see actual friendships blossom in the last year!) he seems to take after me in that large groups and over-stimulating atmospheres are not his jam and can stress him out. Totally get it, dude.

He is literally my biggest fan when it comes to essential oils and being supportive of my business venture in that.  He asks me questions daily, always want to help me practice teaching, smells the oils and has me guess which one it is, and -- the best part -- tells me how he prays for my business. What?!?!?  Yes, he seriously tells me that.  Since I know how God values the prayers of little children, I feel like this is the most precious thing my son could do for me.

The past year has contained some awesome milestones for little Mac...

• He learned the fine art of sarcasm.
• Overcame extreme fear of water and getting water in his eyes.  Now swims like a fish!
• Figured out how to tell a (funny) joke.  Like, actually having a punchline.  "Was that funny, Mom?  I made it up."  
• Proficient at 3rd grade level math. Okay, well, at least he can do reasoning and computation that I didn't remember doing until 3rd grade.  (Learned mostly from dad.) 
• Can read and sound out words. (Does not initiate reading books by himself, though.)
• Can articulate that he is overstimulated and needs personal space.  (Learned mostly from mom.)

I'll close this birthday post with a slideshow.  (I know these are out-of-fashion but my kids LOVE them.)  I put some of our favorite pics from past year to Cormac's favorite song of the moment.

I'm glad you are so happy, Mac!  You make me happy to be a mama.  

my kids aren't 'pleasers' - and that's okay.

My kids are a lot of things.  Affectionate.  Loud. Verbose.  (Very verbose.)

But they aren't pleasers.

As parents I think we naturally hope our kids are pleasers.  What I mean is, we want them to be good-natured and compliant.  Pleasant to be around.  Polite.  Follow all the rules.  Maybe even just quiet.

That is not my children.

two strong-willed kiddos - lucky me! ;)

They can be sweet and delightful - if they know you and you are patient enough to wait for it. But they are not the type, upon meeting them, to respond to your adult greeting with a shy smile and a tiny toddler wave.  "Say 'hi' Cormac," I will urge.  Sometimes he will simply ignore the whole interaction.   Or he will say something completely off-the-wall, leaving the adult stupified.  Finola is not much different.  "Will you give me a hug?" will sometimes ellicit the response of a flat-out "Nope!" They don't give obligatory hugs.  Ever.  But, if they feel like it, they are the most cuddly kids I can imagine.

When they want to talk to you, and they love to talk, they will initiate the conversation on their terms.  They will be brutally honest.

It is no surprise to me that my kids aren't pleasers.  I would not describe my husband as a pleaser. Good-natured and very friendly, yes.  Pleaser-personality, no.   I know for a fact I am not a pleaser... although I am more conscious of my responses/actions now that I am older.

A 'pleaser' (from what I gather from self-proclaimed pleasers) is someone who often acts to appease others.  Who may hold back their opinions or feelings to avoid confrontation.  Who follows the established social graces, sometimes even when it goes against every fiber of their being. (Thus causing inner turmoil - or at least some discomfort.)  A pleaser's default setting is to concern themselves with how they "should" act - and are very concerned with how other people are judging their actions.  They want to keep the peace and make others happy, despite personal feelings.

Don't get me wrong - pleasers are wonderful people!  They are usually sweet and kind and very easy to get along with.  They will usually have more friends than non-pleasers.  It is easy to like a pleaser.

In my family, my sister is a self-proclaimed 'recovering pleaser.'  My younger brother was definitely a pleaser growing up.  Spencer would always be saying, "Can't we just all get along?"  He was and is the nicest guy ever.

I, however, was the opposite!  A natural button-pusher.  I didn't care at all (in the moment) how I was perceived.  I was the child who wrinkled my nose at strangers who told me how cute I was.  I would literally grunt and recoil when well-meaning adults would try to get "all up in my hamster ball" in any way.  I believe I even threw a few punches as a baby.

I was a textbook "non-pleaser."

As I grew older I continued to embarrass/annoy my parents by giving my startlingly honest opinions and telling them (and everyone) exactly what I thought.  I was hard to discipline because I questioned everything - and let's be honest, parents typically just want kids to hear that they are wrong and stop doing whatever it is.  I wanted to discuss (argue) why things were wrong, even as a very young child. That didn't usually go over well!

I go through these same things with both my children.  I get it now, Mom and Dad.  It wears you down!

Although it is super frustrating sometimes to parent my strong-willed children, I want to emphasize the positives of their big personalities. There is great value in being a non-conformist. There is strength in not being afraid to give your opinion (respectfully) even when everyone else is saying something else.

And it is totally okay to say the kid equivalent of "get the heck away from me" when a someone makes you feel uncomfortable!  (Real talk: My kids have shouted "Stranger danger!" around innocent bystanders outside buildings who have even glanced at them sideways. Kinda embarrassing...but at least they are aware...???)

As they grow up, I want my kids to feel empowered to not just go along with what the other kids are doing.  To state very clearly if they don't like how they are being treated.  To not be bullies, but definitely not be victims, either.

So mamas and dads, the next time you find yourself wishing your kid was more of a "pleaser" -- pray for God to work His will through your child's unique little personality.

The world needs all kinds.

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If you sometimes struggle, as I do, with parenting a strong-willed child, I highly encourage you to read the following article as it may help you to understand the behavior better.  As a grown-up "strong-willed child" I can say that this is pretty spot-on:

Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child

(Such a great website, and Dr. Laura Markham's book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids is probably my favorite parenting book of all.)  

baby three.

Another baby grows in my belly. Our third. Likely our last. One final tie-breaker blondie.

Since having Finola nearly four years ago I really struggled with whether or not we should have another.  I went through periods of depression.  Anxiety with two tiny babies, whose lives I fear for and pray over ever single day.  Insecurity about my ability to raise our kids well.  Frustration about the messiness and lack of control that comes with motherhood.

So for several years I prayed to God for clarity.  None came.  I thought maybe I would come across a "calling" in the meantime that would move my focus from pregnancy to something else fulfilling.  A career outside the home?  Fostering?  A side business?  A specific direction to take this blog?

No "calling" presented itself.  Well, except the call to change a lot about myself.  I wrote in this post about the spiritual and mental changes that happened in 2016.  I think God really needed me to change some things about how I deal with my emotions before I could even begin to think about another baby.  I needed to deal with (eliminate) some sources of stress, and let go of certain things I could not change.  He wanted me closer to Him, and more focused upon what really matters.

Hubby and I discussed the probability of another baby at least once a week for three years. Sometimes I was adamant it was a "no."  Sometimes I would feel our family simply wasn't complete. Other times I jealously didn't want to give my attention to another child.  Hubby, for his part, also waffled a bit but always said he would be happy either way.  (Smart man.)

For me it was a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions and jumbled prayers.

Finally, around the holidays we made a "decision."  I put that in quotes because I think it was more that we just got tired of talking about it.  We decided to stop "preventing" but also to not try to obsessively pinpoint my specific ovulation days.  To just give it up to God and say whatever will be will be.  Lord, if you want this for us, your will be done.  If not, we will be okay with that, too.  

There was a lot of relief and freedom in just giving it over to Him.

In my heart I thought, Clearly God will say I'm not able to handle another!

However, lo and behold, not long after we returned from our post-Christmas trip to Minnesota I was a day late with my period.  With trepidation I quickly took a pregnancy test that night right before dinner.

Positive - immediately.  Of course I was excited -- but a nervous excitement!  There was no ceremony when I told Paul the news.  The kids were running around wild + screaming after we finished eating, and Hubby was still sitting there - so I just slid the test across the island to him and said, "Guess what!"

That was at four weeks.  Now I'm fourteen weeks and while I won't go into all the minute details of my first trimester as I've done on this blog in the past, I will say that this pregnancy has been almost identical to the previous two - SUPER nauseous all day every day from week six through week twelve.   Had to eat constantly, or I felt like I had to vomit.  Nothing sounded appetizing, so basically I ate whatever sounded tolerable.  Almost like clockwork at twelve weeks I started feeling better - at least able to enjoy eating again and prepare food without feeling like I was going to yack.

What is different this time I have two kiddos experiencing it right alongside me...and man, are they excited!  We shared the news with them on Valentine's Day -- tying in the 'day of love' with what we love...our little family, including their new sib!

Before we shared the news I kinda thought they already knew...I wasn't really making great effort to hide my discomfort and growing belly - which started popping MUCH earlier this time.  I felt like I was constantly saying to them, "Be careful of Mama's belly - please don't jump on it!" without really explaining why all of a sudden bouncing on my tummy was discouraged.

Despite all that, the kids seemed surprised and REALLY happy!  Phew!  I was nervous a bit about Finola feeling displaced as the baby (like I did when my younger bro came along) but she seems over-the-moon!  She randomly exclaims, "I can't wait to meet our baby!"  Cormac, not surprisingly, is constantly talking to the baby (my belly) and telling him/her EVERYTHING.  Already he wants this child to be influenced by his strong opinions.  Mainly, it must like "villains" and the color green.

Finola, rather than chattering loudly to my belly, whispers to it almost inaudibly.  Perhaps they are sisters already telling secrets?

Of course, I know anything can happen.  I'm trying to just remind myself every day of what we have, that God has plans greater than mine, and to pray for this baby just like I do for the others.

It is a delicate balance of worry and joy.

Here are the few 'bump shots' I have.  I meant to take cute "announcement pics" with my DSLR - but, as with probably everything else with the third child my best intentions went out the window!  From one third child to another -- sorry baby, but you may need to get used to it!

six weeks.  baby or post-chipotle?

Eight weeks. 

Getting bigger!  Twelve weeks - visiting my sis in MT. 

Our family is excited for this next chapter in our lives -- and appreciate any prayers (and advice) for being a family of five!

five.

I have to say that motherhood has been the most lovely adventure I've been on so far.  

It all started five years ago for me.  I was completely clueless -- as we all are, no matter how many books we read or classes we drag our husband to prior to the birth. The idea of raising another human, a sweet little baby, seemed pretty neat to my naive brain -- then he was placed in my arms and all of a sudden the concept of motherhood was overwhelming and too all-important a thing to even fathom.

My focus became this kid.  I quit my job, a job I truly liked and where I was on track for another promotion, two weeks after I went back to work after maternity leave without much of a backward glance...I knew exactly where my heart was and what I wanted to be spending my days doing.  I don't think this is necessary/healthy for every mama out there...but for me it was.  I had prayed fervently that God would lead me where he wanted me to be...and He gave me a clear answer.

Hanging out with this kid.  Learning to be a mama.  Still learning.

Cormac still rocks my world almost every day.  Now having the experience of being both a boy and a girl mom, I see the differences and they are lovely.

Cormac has endless thoughts running through his head, and is constantly buzzing with the energy of one who is trying to get the most out of every moment of his day.  Even when he is watching a show on TV, he is also bouncing on the couch or building a trap.

He loves to draw out plans for tanks, ships, and treasure maps.  I enjoy watching his magical world of adventure enfold every day.

He is super bossy and quite controlling.  I think this may be a "first child" thing, but wow!  He thinks he gets to make all the rules and if they are not followed to a T he can get quite worked up.  We are working on how to be an effective leader, not a tyrant.

I know we live in a parenting world where we are supposed to turn up our noses at our kids having lots of toys ("don't spoil them!!!!"  or "get those kids outdoors, not in their room!") but I'll openly admit that I delight in Cormac's obsession with toys.  (Finola does not have this at all.)    I love the stories he makes up about his "guys" and finding fake spiders everywhere and hearing him make sound effects to go along with all his elaborate stories.   I love that he gets SO excited about cool stuff he sees at Target (like his mama.)  I think maybe it is not even the toy aspect, but just seeing my kid have such JOY about something!  You see the eyes light up and how exuberant he gets telling you all about whatever it is...and that is just plain cool to me.   I remember being like that about things...and still am about certain things.   Nothing compares to a child's joy, though.

He is still a bit small for his age, but smart and healthy.   I'll take it!

His emotions run the gamut!  He feels every feel really fully, which I can totally relate to.

Cormac completed his second year of pre-school and did awesome!  He now can easily write his name and count past one hundred.  He gets kinda frustrated with sounding out words...but we've discovered that he does better with an online phonics program he can navigate independently rather than someone teaching him one on one.

Here are some of my favorite photos from the past year of my favorite little boy in the whole wide world...

On a Target date with mama.  He always picks Target for our dates...which is awesome.

He loves finding sticks that magically transform into weapons.  Notice Finola "hiding" in the background!

first day of 4's pre-school!  

enjoying the snow!

very sweet with small babies, like his cousin Sloane.

hanging with sis at the library.

this couch, fairly new, has already taken a beating from constant jumping, fort making, and lounging weirdly.

5th bday!  this is pre-party at our house...darth vader theme, as he loves "bad guys" 

a darth vader costume was a must.

Birthday party fun!  This was the first party where we stuck with inviting his "friends" -- a loose term at five, but still cool to actually see some relationships that have bloomed!

Very skeptical during his first hibachi grill experience.  He is skeptical about most things. 

Dressed as the hulk.  He loves putting on costumes!

Creepy faces are his jam.

I'm sure this was totally safe (photo taken by Dada) 

Tried soccer this year.  He didn't love it.

Forever this kid is picking flowers for mama.

Singing in his Christmas program - went better this year!

Helping mama make his favorite cookies for Santa-- chocolate chip with M&M's!

Mama and son.  His looks favor his Dada overall...but he's got my eye color, nose and lips!

Collecting shells on the beach during our Gulf Shores trip.  He always finds a project to do!

This kid has my heart.

He built the throne behind that Finola is sitting on -- he was so proud!

Halloween is still hands down his favorite holiday!

As a creepy skeleton for Halloween!

Blowing out the candles at his bouncy house party!

So five years have passed in a heartbeat.

From the moment I first held you, all gooey and new...

...to barely being able to get you to stop moving for a hug at your 5th birthday party!

   

The world is yours, little Mac!  I hope year six is amazing and full of new adventures!

(For both of us!)

my sister.

With Mother's Day coming up, I've been thinking about the mamas that inspire me.  Right now my circle of friends consists mostly of mothers.  Many are "beginners" like me, just struggling through. Some have careers outside the home, some stay at home full time.  Some with one tiny baby, and others with a gaggle of toddlers.  All just doing our best and surviving this beautiful + hectic phase of our lives!

Although she lives across the country in Montana, I am happy to get to experience motherhood alongside my big sister, Heidi.  We were pregnant twice at the same time, and have leaned on each other for encouragement even from afar.

Growing up I pretty much idolized Heidi.  She is five years older, and has always been very likable, fun, stylish, and beautiful inside and out.

I was certainly the annoying little sister who stole her clothes, copied her hairstyles, read her diary/notes from boys, and tried to hang out with her and all her cool friends!

When Heidi went away to college all of a sudden our relationship shifted -- and the separation in living circumstances actually made us closer!  I still adored her and followed all her friendships and dating adventures with fascination...but she definitely embraced her role of big sis to me then, when I wasn't underfoot and in her biz!

2003

When Heid got married and moved across the country (and I started college) we amazingly got EVEN closer!  I don't even know how it happened but sisterhood somehow deepened into friendship.

with our mama, 2001,  makeupless (er, as much as we get!) post-canoe trip!  #beautybag #thehut

Easter 2015 - fourteen years later!

My sister was a teacher for years before she and her hubby decided to have kids.  Throughout the coming years they struggled through several miscarriages...and I felt Heid's heartache through it all, just as I experience her joy during happy times.  I listened to her announce to me with excitement when she learned of a pregnancy...and then call me again to share the news of sorrow of another baby going up to heaven. She dealt with it with prayer and strength in Jesus.  Her faith and transparency in such a difficult time was pretty incredible to me.

Now, she is a mama to four beautiful kiddos, juggling an age range of 2 to 10, complete with a packed calendar packed with school, sports, and church activities.

my gorgeous sister and her beautiful family of six

Heidi chose to stay at home full-time, just as our own mama did, and just as, coincidentally, I also did.  This definitely is financial sacrifice, particularly for their family.  She does try to squeeze in babysitting and substitute teaching to help out, which I am completely amazed by given how busy her family is!  They make it work - again, by trusting in God, who always seems to provide.

I could share lots of fun and embarrassing photos of me and my big sis...but instead I'll just say how happy I am to have such an awesome example of a mother in her.  Strong yet kind.  Soft-hearted, yet firm in her faith.

I love you, sister!  I am glad your daughters will have each other just like we always did!

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Got an inspiring mama in your life?  

Surprise her with a gift card from Stitch Fix for Mother's Day!  

I've enjoyed using this service for the past year (read about my Fixes here) and it's a fun way to surprise a busy mama with some lovely clothing/accessories!

Click the photo below to get started!